May 2012
10 posts
9 tags
12 tags
If I Turn Up Dead, Now You Know Who Done It (Part...
“You here for the tour?” We were, Dennis and I. We shook hands with our guide, a new girl. “What are your names?”
“Dennis.”
“James.” —Shit. We forgot to lie, again. We were off to a bad start. It’s okay, I told myself, we’ll just lie about everything else.
“Great! Follow me, right this way. How’re you guys...
13 tags
If I Turn Up Dead, Now You Know Who Done It (Part...
Blame the bad food, blame the free refills of iced coffee, or blame me for just wanting it so bad, but I had to use the bathroom. This was perfect because 1) I’m not afraid to shit anywhere and 2) I needed a reason to leave the restaurant area and snoop around.
I excused myself from our table and headed to my peculiar friend at the host stand. I was given simple instructions and pointed...
6 tags
Friends In High* Places
Two of my good friends, Ashley and Dennis, made (in)famous by this blog, are now radio personalities! “UNregular Radio” personalities, it turns out. No matter where you are on earth, you can listen to them on your computer or stream their show for free on iTunes.
There will be plenty of celebrity gossip, trash talking, gay pop music, and even gayer song parodies—exactly...
18 tags
If I Turn Up Dead, Now You Know Who Done It (Part...
“Dennis. Party of three.”
We’d agreed on pseudonyms, but using Dennis’ name to make the reservation seemed like a funny idea…in my head…at the time. I went for it.
The host at the restaurant looked up, smiled her characteristically intense, $cient0l0gist smile, and spoke directly to me.
“Right this way, Dennis.”
The real Dennis, Erin, and...
19 tags
If I Turn Up Dead, Now You Know Who Done It (Part...
It was a Sunday when we went. It had to be. Sunday was the only time the $cient0l0gists had a public brunch buffet in their precious Hollywood Celebrity Center.
I honestly couldn’t remember who told me about this brunch first, but I had known about it for years. How I managed to avoid going for so long…that I was also not sure of, but I wasn’t going to spend any more time...
April 2012
11 posts
18 tags
If I Turn Up Dead, Now You Know Who Done It (Part...
Sooooo…this is where it gets a little tricky. I wanted to make it through this whole blog entry without explicitly typing out the name of the “church” that we visited, but that’s kind of difficult and God knows my life is hard enough raising four kids on my own.
So, from here on in, I will refer to it as “$cient0l0gy.” (Suri Cruise can’t have a “$” in her twitter...
Go On. It's Okay. It Can Be Our Little Secret. →
10 tags
If I Turn Up Dead, Now You Know Who Done It (Part...
“Going in there is my nightmare.” — Grabby C.
I had $4 burning a hole in my pocket and I was as shy about spending it as I was about telling people how I obtained it.
“…and I would’ve had more if it weren’t for that cunt, Dora.”
My friends humored me and listened. They always do. But, more importantly, my over-the-top tales peaked their...
10 tags
What A Weekend
Brunch. Gets. Scary.
—Stay tuned!
14 tags
We COULD Be Heroes (Part 6)
“Ugh,” Michael Jackson complained, “that guy is always here.”
It seems the old man that asked Meghan and I to pose with MJ wasn’t even a tourist, just a very frugal, peculiar local and a fan of Hollywood’s human oddities. In another life we could be friends, I thought, but not today. I wanted my dollars.
As busy as I’m sure he was, Michael took time out of his day to speak with me.
“Don’t...
We COULD Be Heroes (Part 5)
“I do work for tips.”
…You’ll be back.
We’d been on The Hollywood Walk of Fame for about half an hour. The sun was blazing, backs were sweating, and the dollars, at best, were elusive. I had one bill, from a terribly misguided family of tourists that willingly threw their young children at me, but that was it.
“So, uh, how long do we have to do...
West Hollywood, CA
FUCKING X-CORE!!! Ripped from the wall of Hamburger Haven!
We COULD Be Heroes (Part 4)
A week of waiting, a week of staring at my creepy Spiderman costume in the corner of my apartment, and the day had finally come…
That day was Saturday. What’s usually time off for most people, Saturday may very well be the busiest day of the week for the professional crazies working The Hollywood Walk of Fame sidewalk. Missing it would be unthinkable, but being a little late so we...
March 2012
12 posts
“But I don’t want to model anymore. I just wanna act.”
– Overheard at the Gay Starbucks
We COULD Be Heroes (Part 3)
“I feel dirty.”
Not the good kind, though.
We’d just spent an hour pursuing The Hollywood Walk of Fame and its “human” oddities. Our visit provided us with a close look at what was in store. But afterword, we drove east to get a look at the clothes a store had for us. It was at this Echo Park thrift shop that we went rummaging and I found a costume, the only...
12 tags
Happy Birthday, LAdouchebagproject.com!
This blog is one year old this month. And don’t think for a SECOND she let me forget it. (Yes, this blog is female. I checked. I was there when she was born and saw everything—Hands off!)
In celebration, LAdouchebagproject.com is getting ready to go out tonight. She’s been going on and on about wanting to get laid, or some shit like that—yeah, I dunno. I tuned...
10 tags
We COULD Be Heroes (Part 2)
It’s been almost an entire year that I’ve been blogging and almost an entire year that I’ve been convincing my friends to join me in my exploits. I hate change. Change is the worst. So I’m still at it.
“It’s going to be very funny,” I promised. “We could be heroes. Like, super ones.”
Meghan (http://tinyurl.com/6ww5psz) is hilarious and a...
12 tags
We COULD Be Heroes (Part 1)
“Be careful…Anything can happen on the boulevard.” — Slut Cop
If the homeless man glaring at me at Starbucks could form a sentence, he might ask why I was sitting so…so lopsided. And if I didn’t think he was incredibly rude for being so blunt with me, I’d probably tell him the truth: “I’m sitting on a wad of bills! And you scare the fuck...
It Gets Better*
Naturally, I’m talking about my blog.
Once again, sorry for falling behind. You’re all so patient and good. I’d like to give you each a hug, but I don’t want to set that kind of precedent and spoil you. Fear not, though! A new story is in the works and it will be arriving sooner than you or I think!
So quit your bitching.
*Creepier
February 2012
9 posts
8 tags
NOTE: I Don't Call Them Bitches (Part 3)
We continued down the strip, dogs at our sides, and I, while vigilant, allowed myself time to pick a wedgie for the camera.
The dog park we were headed towards happened to be sandwiched between a gay bar and a public library. The residents of West Hollywood, and their dogs, don’t have to travel far for any amenities, I noticed. I clocked this observation, along with other mental notes, as...
NOTE: I Don't Call Them Bitches (Part 2)
Exploiting the resources around me has become second nature. Edgenia has a little dog and for a while I’ve had my eye on young Caleb. It turns out he’s a huge fan of my blog, too, so convincing him to be a pawn in my game was a cinch.
Fortunately for everyone, Edgenia’s brother also has a dog. And like any good stage-parent, he was more than ready to force baby Zoey into...
NOTE: I Don't Call Them "Bitches" (Part 1)
All that coffee from the Beverly Hills hotel really did a number…a number 2, to be exact. As I waved goodbye to my own BM, watching it spin towards its watery grave, I wished all waste removal was that easy.
Los Angeles is pretty shitty. It’s not just the air, water, public schools, and mass-transit infrastructure. Our beautiful, crumbling streets and sidewalks are literally...
January 2012
12 posts
13 tags
The SECRET is out…
Television shows for teenage girls and ill-adapted, old gay men LOVE me!
Hollywood, CA
Fine (Enough For Me) Dining (Part 5)
The lobby of the Beverly Hills Hotel was quite swank with its chandeliers, fancy rugs, gold leafing, and concierges. It’s like I’m walking through the hotel foyer to get to my prom again, I remember thinking, only I’m gay(er) now and I don’t just have one black girl date, but a half-Asian, half-Hispanic girl date, too! And I saved a TON driving my own car instead of...
Anonymous asked: why do you love yourself so much?
West Hollywood, CA
Fine (Enough For Me) Dining (Part 4)
It seems like I had only just finished picking Chateau Marmont’s food out of my teeth before it was time to hit-up my next establishment.
The LA Douchebag Project prides itself on being incredibly inclusive. All are welcome! I love making new friends and coercing them into becoming my partners in crime. When word broke that I was headed to the Beverly Hills Hotel, it did not take much to...
