February 2012
9 posts
8 tags
NOTE: I Don't Call Them Bitches (Part 3)
We continued down the strip, dogs at our sides, and I, while vigilant, allowed myself time to pick a wedgie for the camera.
The dog park we were headed towards happened to be sandwiched between a gay bar and a public library. The residents of West Hollywood, and their dogs, don’t have to travel far for any amenities, I noticed. I clocked this observation, along with other mental notes, as...
NOTE: I Don't Call Them Bitches (Part 2)
Exploiting the resources around me has become second nature. Edgenia has a little dog and for a while I’ve had my eye on young Caleb. It turns out he’s a huge fan of my blog, too, so convincing him to be a pawn in my game was a cinch.
Fortunately for everyone, Edgenia’s brother also has a dog. And like any good stage-parent, he was more than ready to force baby Zoey into...
NOTE: I Don't Call Them "Bitches" (Part 1)
All that coffee from the Beverly Hills hotel really did a number…a number 2, to be exact. As I waved goodbye to my own BM, watching it spin towards its watery grave, I wished all waste removal was that easy.
Los Angeles is pretty shitty. It’s not just the air, water, public schools, and mass-transit infrastructure. Our beautiful, crumbling streets and sidewalks are literally...
January 2012
12 posts
13 tags
The SECRET is out…
Television shows for teenage girls and ill-adapted, old gay men LOVE me!
Hollywood, CA
Fine (Enough For Me) Dining (Part 5)
The lobby of the Beverly Hills Hotel was quite swank with its chandeliers, fancy rugs, gold leafing, and concierges. It’s like I’m walking through the hotel foyer to get to my prom again, I remember thinking, only I’m gay(er) now and I don’t just have one black girl date, but a half-Asian, half-Hispanic girl date, too! And I saved a TON driving my own car instead of...
Anonymous asked: why do you love yourself so much?
West Hollywood, CA
Fine (Enough For Me) Dining (Part 4)
It seems like I had only just finished picking Chateau Marmont’s food out of my teeth before it was time to hit-up my next establishment.
The LA Douchebag Project prides itself on being incredibly inclusive. All are welcome! I love making new friends and coercing them into becoming my partners in crime. When word broke that I was headed to the Beverly Hills Hotel, it did not take much to...
11 tags
Fine (Enough For Me) Dining (Part 3)
“Ugh. Now I’m too hot.”
Things were winding down at the Chateau Marmont and, aside from an overactive heat lamp and a disgruntled-looking server, our dinner was going smoothly. We nibbled on our food, slurped down our wine, and judged anyone that crossed our eye line. All for the blog, mind you. This was a complete departure from our normal routine.
The food...
69,000
A monumental moment for myself and all of you, I’m sure.
This little blog has reached 69,000 page views, and by this point I’m mature and comfortable enough with myself to admit that I still think the number 69 is funny.
Thanks for making it all possible, guys! Now, go blow yourselves. You’ve earned it just as much as me!
While you’re at it, take some pictures and...
Fine (Enough For Me) Dining (Part 2)
One of my best friends from college, Tiffany, had a visit to Los Angeles that coincided with this blog-adventure. Tiffany is a VP over at the LA Douchebag Project’s New York City office. You can thank her for the headshots. Needless to say, all of us over at west coast headquarters were thrilled to have her.
Per the usual, I surveyed my pool of friends to gauge interest:
“[Friend...
December 2011
10 posts
Poo York & Poo Jersey
Wow.
Here I am, gallivanting around Manhattan, eating street-meat and pizza, guzzling beer and Dunkin Donuts coffee, and popping into expensive hotels to take rancid shits (not necessarily in the restroom). And there you are, at your computers, wondering what you did wrong to make me ignore you like this.
Well, I shouldn’t have to tell you, you KNOW what you did, but I’m also...
This One's for YOU, Woodbridge Township!
Recently, Deborah Bell contacted me. Being the editor of Woodbridge Patch, the community blog for my hometown of Woodbridge, NJ, her Google Alerts notified her when I posted a photo from Iselin, NJ, an unincorporated area of the township where I lived for 17 years of my life. With a little nudge from Google, Ms. Bell was introduced to me and The LA Douchebag Project. Now, she’s a devout...
12 tags
Fine (Enough For Me) Dining (Part 1)
Wha? Huh? …Sorry. I was medicating. You wouldn’t believe how it takes the edge off! And it’s a good thing, I needed it for my next undertaking. Yes, this cannabis prescription was coming in handy and helping to influence the course of my LA Douchebag Project.
Food.
Contrary to popular belief, everyone in LA eats something, myself included. But it’s where and how we...
Dude, A Lesson In Self-Medication, Bro (Part 4)
In the eyes of the Feds I am as bad as a heroine addict, but as long as I’m in California I’m a victim in need of help—and for more reasons than you’d think!
Chris and I had just gotten our cannabis prescriptions and we couldn’t wait to start healing. The process was made that much easier since we were each given a voucher for one free gram of marijuana; an...
November 2011
8 posts
Dude, A Lesson In Self-Medication, Bro (Part 3)
“Dude! You guys are getting cards?!”
He was enthusiastic, friendly, and smelled like a great blog story…or maybe it was marijuana. I couldn’t really be sure until I got my prescription. Chris and I continued dissecting him while we nodded and he shook our hands.
“Dope! My name’s ‘Six’.”
“Six?”
“—It’s a...
Dude, A Lesson In Self-Medication, Bro (Part 2)
In 1996, with the approval of 56% of voters, California became the first state in America to decriminalize marijuana with the passing of Proposition 215, “The Compassionate Use Act.” The law is intended to protect patients diagnosed with any illness where cannabis has been “deemed appropriate and has been recommended by a physician” for treatment by making it legal...
Dude, A Lesson In Self-Medication, Bro (Part 1)
The last time I was home, in New Jersey, I was bored and rifling through some of my old crap. It was all tossed in a box, in a closet under the stairs, waiting for me to find it. There were plenty of sad gems and awkward memories, but the thing I found most entertaining was my elementary school yearbook.
Well, it wasn’t a real yearbook, but a small autograph book that all the “graduating” fifth...
Giving It A [Head]Shot (Part 5)
During these tumultuous times of economic uncertainty and endless bipartisan bickering, it is comforting to know that all of America can agree on something…
Bozeman, MT
Toluca Lake, CA
New Haven, CT
Hollywood, CA
Watertown, MA
Beverly Hills, CA
West Hollywood, CA
Tewksbury, MA
Wayne Manor, Gotham City
New York, NY
Los Angeles, CA
Be a part of it!
...
17 tags
Lil' Victory Redux
You’re all following me so closely. No, it’s not creepy at all. I don’t mind, but it means you probably remember I was in a little screenplay competition not too long ago and I went to Chicago.
I’m back. I didn’t see any of you there, but, hey, no, it’s cool. You’re busy. I get it. No biggie. They’ll be others…maybe.
Chicago is...
14 tags
Achieving National Fame Through My Artwork
DOUCHEBREAK:
A drawing of mine (one of my favorites) made a cameo on The Rachel Maddow Show last week. The image, an homage to The Human Centipede, appeared by accident, but, still, I couldn’t be prouder. The internet is all atwitter:
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=439x2207464
—And, as we all know, it takes a lot to get the internet...
16 tags
Giving It A [Head]Shot (Part 4)
Was I blushing? Or was I a whore with a ridiculous amount of rouge smeared over my cheeks?
If you’d been keeping up, you’d know the answer was “both.” I had just completed my very first pseudo-professional photo shoot—It went great, thank! My head was spinning. I couldn’t wait to see all the pictures Emily and Aaron had uploaded onto my hard drive and...
October 2011
6 posts
19 tags
Giving It A [Head]Shot (Part 3)
It was time.
Aaron prepped for the shot, lowering a colorful backdrop and readying his camera, while Emily let her dog run amok and crush the tops of my feet. Through the pain, I think I heard her offering some advice on how to pose.
“Lower your face…eyebrows are good…No…Yes! More of that!”
Oh, don’t worry, guys. She got more. I was giving my all for this one. Performing like you’ve...
13 tags
Giving It A [Head]Shot (Part 2)
A headshot is just that: a shot of your head, a simple photograph. I have friends with cameras, anybody could take my picture, but that would undercut the humor of this entire experience. And, I like to think, only a professional could do this mug justice.
I was lucky to find a small studio that promised to do the job at a discounted rate and luckier still to have my friend Sheena come with....
Anonymous asked: Do you like LA more or less since starting your blog?
15 tags
Giving It A [Head]Shot (Part 1)
New face? Check.
New clothes? Check.
New assignment? Oh, you best believe that’s a check.
If you visit any commercial establishment in Los Angeles west of Vermont Avenue, you’re probably going to see a lot of 8x10 glossy pictures decorating the walls. What you’re looking at are headshots, the calling cards for every hopeful that’s ever come through the Hollywood machine. If a person’s headshot...
8 tags
Lil' Victory
Sorry to burst your bubble, kind readers, but it’s not all about you. I have a life outside of this blog! For instance, when I’m not working on the LA Douchebag Project I am:
Writing something else
Toiling away at my menial job and drinking coffee
Crying into my pillow
Counting the rings around my eyes and wishing I’d gotten a real college degree.
I keep busy. With a...
September 2011
9 posts
12 tags
Baby Needs A Change (Part 4)
I was swept away into a “Typhoon” of ridiculous LA fashion and dumped at the doorstep of the Ed Hardy Outlet—a brand synonymous with “douche.”
Ed Hardy, the man, I read, was a tattoo artist from Southern California. After his success, he expanded his brand to include a line of clothing based off of his designs. Since, he has been praised by douchebags everywhere, and his...
Baby Needs A Change (Part 3)
Back in my familiar, spacious cargo shorts, it felt good to breathe again. I enjoyed that sensation for as long as possible. Knowing Melrose Avenue had so many more stores to visit, and equally, so many more outfits to try, was bittersweet—A feeling to which I’d grown accustomed while doing this blog.
Our adventure picked up the following day exactly where we’d left off: at Starbucks, chugging...
Baby Needs A Change (Part 2)
I decided to do an inventory of my clothes…it didn’t take long. My wardrobe is incredibly limited and my style is minimalist, to say the least. To illustrate this, I smoked, then figured it best to, well, illustrate it. Below is a fun game I created for y’all:
Take your time. Let me know when you’re done.
…
Okay. Fun? Good.
If you haven’t caught on,...