We COULD Be Heroes… One. More. Time. Bro.

Remember this shit?

I bet you all thought the suit was retired once I made my $4 whoring on The Hollywood Walk of Fame Shame.

Well, you’re very presumptuous and wrong.  

I wouldn’t dream of throwing out my Spiderman costume!  The thought of some greedy homeless man wearing my outfit is too much to stand (What if he looked better in it than me?!?) and, even before my friend, Chris, told me, I had a hunch that Carl’s Jr. would one day have an Independence Day promotional tie-in with the Spiderman movie franchise.  

On July 4th, if you dressed as Spiderman at any participating Carl’s Jr. Restuarant, you got a free grilled cheese bacon burger!

What are the fucking odds?

Coming from someone who once got a free DiGiornio pizza because he wrote the company to complain that his friends could tell his pizza was not delivery, but actually quite undeniably DiGiorno, or who, for the last five years, has been saying he is half-Cuban to partipate in an ongoing  paid focus group , I can tell you that I love free stuff.  

This burger was gonna send me over the top!

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We COULD Be Heroes (Part 2)

It’s been almost an entire year that I’ve been blogging and almost an entire year that I’ve been convincing my friends to join me in my exploits. I hate change. Change is the worst. So I’m still at it.

"It’s going to be very funny," I promised. "We could be heroes. Like, super ones.”

Meghan (http://tinyurl.com/6ww5psz) is hilarious and a performer with the Upright Citizens Brigade. So I had a hunch she’d be perfect at humiliating herself for the sake of me and my interests.

She was!

On a particularly hot afternoon, Meghan and I trekked to Hollywood for some customary blog-reconnaissance. If you have ever been to The Walk of Fame, you know under normal circumstances there is no reason to ever go back, but today was special. Not only did we need to size-up our competition, we were there to learn from them, as well.

We drove to Hollywood and found free parking on a distant side street. This gave us plenty of time to continue our conversation; discussing our hopes and dreams for this story.

"These people are so creepy. What if they pick a fight with us for infringing on their turf?"

"I thought about that. What would happen if all my dreams came true?”

By the time we made it to Hollywood and Highland, from what I could see and smell, not much had changed since my last visit and there were plenty of familiar faces.

Michael Jackson was there.


Darth Vader,


Wonder Woman, The Female(?) Green Lantern,

Dora the Explorer, and Woody the Cheap Erection Joke were all accounted for.

We observed them all as we paced the boulevard; noting their mannerisms, their placement, and the sums of cash being forked over by naive tourists.

It was all very depressing, which made me happy for what was to come, but at the same time it was, like, ya’ know, depressing and difficult to be around. But before leaving, there was something else we had to do. Test the waters, if you will.

"I will!" I told Meghan. "Just make sure you get me handing him the dollar in the photo." I chose the littlest Batman as the beneficiary of this blog-post. He was not keen on the idea of posing with my wallet out, but Meghan made it work.

"I’m Batboy, actually."

Whatever. Dance, puppet. And make room. I’ll see you next week.


—Part 3 coming soon!

cleaning clothes